On A Scale Of 1–10, How Are You?
10 being life can be crazy but at least I’m still sane, and 1 being life is crazy and I am.
My answer is 2.2374
When November came, I joined y’all to shout “happy new month! One more month to new year", bla bla bla. I was excited because this is my sister’s birth month so it’s my birthday by extension. I made plans on where we’d go, what we’d eat, what I’ll wear as per extended celebrant. I was excited to move into my third year as a student of the “prestigious” university of Lagos. I got new stuffs and even decided to experiment with makeup! I imagined that I’d resume with bright pedi-manis.
Thought I was done? Nope. I got perfumes, paid a stylist to make a gorgeous hairdo for me when I resumed. I paid a lot to ensure I got a place to stay. I started working on my confidence and esteem and JOINED AND ACTIVELY PARTICIPATED IN EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES. I even started online courses forghursakess! I was ready for the new season, was on my way to shineeee. And the universe was snickering at me behind my back.
The first blow: I was homeless for 3 weeks. See that “I paid money to ensure I got a place to stay" was me living in a delusion. It might sound like it was a bearable situation but IT WASN’T! I was frustrated, my anxiety and overthinking skyrocketed; people kept telling me to calm down, I kept telling them that yeah, I was not bothered. I made them believe I didn’t care, it’s not like people don’t resume few weeks to exam sef, right? Ding. I cared helplessly. I couldn’t stop my mind from spiralling and my brain from hurting. I kept reminding God that nope, this wasn’t our agreement. I was meant to be manifesting my soft girl era now abi?
See, the university of Lagos will really destroy your put-together self. Except you have a lot of money for house, I’m talking 500k upwards, you cannot be comfortable, period. I don’t want to go into details concerning this housing matter because I might just start cursing and that is definitely not in line with the kind of person I am: Abba’s Girl.
Blow number 2: being a girl is damnnnn hard. Now couple that with having self doubts and a treacherous brain. You remember when I said I was on working on my confidence and got makeup, the latter ruined the former. All the confidence I’d been building up, “the you’re beautiful your way gurl, rest" scattered when I realised, unsurprisingly, that I was, and still am terrible with an eyeliner and those things y’all girls do to look good. I began to feel subpar and envious when I saw someone excelling in the act of looking good.
I got some clothes and shoes I’d been thirsting after for a while and hated them because my brain told me that, and I quote, “these are slim girl fits darling, give them up, you look like a potato”. No offense to potatoes. I began to slowly unravel when I couldn’t conclude if it was a fashion crime to wear sneakers without socks. Asked my dad and he said to ask my friends. Yeah, after I convince my brain that that doesn’t mean I’m so dumb to exist in social and beauty settings. Anyways, yeah.
I anxiously chewed on my fingers as I thought about which would be the next best thing for me to do after this hair I’m going to make: do I cut my hair or do I do threading cos no way in hell would I get attachments for 3k upwards again! Remember, I haven’t even done this one I’ve paid for.
Blow number 3: I can’t afford my dream mani-pedis. Go Nigerian government.
Blow number 4: How, just how, does shaping of brows cost 700 naira? Not the sophisticated one oo, the razorblade and you’re done type. I promise you it was 300 last time I was in school. Anyway, I have gone and used shaving stick, look at me and look away. Let’s be civil, thanks.
The fifth blow was a dream. Let me tell you that I take my dreams way too seriously. Even when I had a dream I was going to stay in Makama Bida Hall and that came to pass but it was the worst period of my life, I still trust my dreams. That’s why I was a bit shaken when I saw my “the one that got away" trying to give me to another person instead of holding my hands like he usually does. Ehn! What, are you saying we’re not going to end up together and tell people our very funny and quite romantic love story? You’re joking me (in Joyce Onyemuwa’s voice).
The sixth blow was a Facebook notification.😭 I deleted my social media apps save for WhatsApp and Snapchat not because I was trying to preserve my mental health or any shebang, my goal was to save data as much as possible. So the only way I can access them — that’s if it’s a do or be socially isolated for the rest of your life affair — is by going through chrome. I wanted to make a research for a thing one day and was directed to Facebook. Got there, saw what I wanted and decided to snoop around a bit. Saw that my “the one that got away” sent me a friend request and I was absolutely devastated. Didn’t accept for days because, and hear me out, that’s not how our story should go.
We’re to meet at a reunion or something like that—see my last post — so why ruin the narrative and send a friend request? Why make this seemingly magical story start and maybe end in normalcy? A friend request? On Facebook? You’ve got to be shitting me! See, I’m beginning to think I’m only attracted to the thought of this boy and not the real him but that’s a thought to unpack in another post.
The biggest blow, and this blow is back to back, is I still don’t know what to do with my life. August to October was quiet for my brain and I, no pressure, we were just doing what we love —me, reading and my brain, tormenting on a low. Come November and I start to panic: what if I don’t find a career path? What if I’m too dumb and old schooled to be in the Nigerian job market? What if nothing works? Sometimes the only thing that stops me from “erasing myself”, according to my brain, is that “erasers" end up in hell. Talk about from frying pan to the fiery furnace. Anyway, I do not want to dwell on this.
I’m back on campus — yeah, finally un-homeless— and the seasonal anxiety has kicked in, though not as bad as before. I’m not seeing myself holed up in my room anytime soon and I hope I carry on like that. The pressure is at a 2.5, and I’m just being carried by God, my books, and my playlists. Speaking of God, I have offended Him, like a lot! Told him I wasn’t going to do this one thing and I keep on doing it and apologizing and doing it—the sad circle. Please pray for me that God oo, help Oluwatosin to stop disobeying You and annoying You. Amen🥺.
Before I forget, November is the month I’ve decided to be my most assertive. I’m not putting myself on the line to save anyone the awkwardness. I’m going to start saying no often and calling people out on their bullshit. I’m going to stand confidently on my beliefs and morals. I’m going to attempt eye contact more when I have conversations. So help me God.
We’re two weeks and four days into November and I’ve seen a lot but I’m hoping for better stories to tell. For now, clap, share, comment and live your best life! You know what, I would really really love to know HOW YOU ARE DOING so take the comment aspect of this post seriously. Till the next update…:-)
